Perfectly Flawed
by XoxStrifexoX
Summary: Main pairing will be ZxC but there will b multiple pairings with Cloud.... some smut Main focus is Cloud....Each chapter will tell a different event/emotion in Cloud's life Please R&R if you don't like one chap. you may like the next! Check them out
1. This is my Home

Pairings: Cloud x Zack, Cloud x RANDOM ( Haven't completely decided )

Hope you like it!

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The house is quiet, but Cloud liked it when it's quiet.

_It's the noise that bothers me. The constant outbursts of my insane brother Kadaj are enough in themselves, but throw my mother's high pitched voice in the mix and it's enough to make my ears bleed. _

Cloud lay spread out on his bed staring down the ceiling above him. It became ritual to come home after school and blast whatever CD was in stereo than stare at the ceiling as if he could burn a hole through it. He released deep sigh through his pouting lips. His bright blue eyes staring mercilessly at the white ceiling. A look around the boys room revealed and endless assortment of candles and knic-knacs, all placed neatly together. If he hadn't arranged them in the right way, it would have been nothing but clutter. But he managed to make a serene scene out of the objects scattered throughout the room. Most kids his age had games and TV's and other entertaining media littered in there room. But Cloud wasn't so much interested in a playground, he much more preferred an escape. Somewhere he could sink into comfortably and relax.

His blue eyes shut slowly ending the assault on the ceiling above. His right hand reached up to brush the blonde spikes of hair out of his face, falling with a soft thud next to his head after he pushed the unruly hair to the side. He tilted his head towards the glowing numbers pulsing from his alarm clock and frowned, "They'll be home any minute..." Cloud shoved both hands behind his head and continued his assault on the ceiling.

It wasn't like he didn't like his brother and mother, he just couldn't stand the constant bickering. But bickering between the two paled in comparison to the chores he would be faced with. He couldn't remember really when it had started. He was responsible for taking care of his younger sibling and soon his own mother. He cooked, cleaned, and watched over his mother.

Another deep sigh broke the silence in the empty house. " I suppose...it started than...."

_Cloud rushed over to his mother who was kneeling in front of the toliet holding her hair back. He wasn't sure if it was just from a hangover from the night before or if she really was sick. She clutched her side painfully and continued to expel seemingly endless amounts of bile. Cloud's nose twitched and the smell all but burned his nostrils. She started rambling on and on about pain in her back. He wasn't sure what to do, but he was grateful at least that Kadaj was sleeping over a friends house. Kadaj was a very emotional boy, and even the slightest things effected a thousand times worse than they really should. _

_Her convulsing stomach, now empty, only allowing her to dry heave. There was nothing else she could puke out, Cloud sighed with the simple thought. "Lets get you to lay down, up you go..." Cloud's voice was soft as he gently hoisted his mother from the cold bathroom tiles. He brought he in the living room and sat her down on the couch. Her sobbing hadn't ceased, instead it had kept growing worse. The most horrific sounds of pain vibrated from her throat, and at this point Cloud didn't know more he could do. Like a mantra he kept repeating to her as he rubbed her back in small circles, "Ma, what can I do... Mom...." _

_She wailed in pain trying to speak holding her back as if someone had kicked in her spine. The pain twisting on her face was enough to make Cloud feel sick to his stomach. He wanted to help but there was little he could do. He offered medicine, but she refused. She wouldn't be able to keep the medicine down long enough for it to take effect. He tried getting her to drink something, to put a hot pack on her back, he rubbed Icy Hot on her back, he tried everything. And at this point, against his mothers wishes, he dialed 911. What else could he do. His mother was in so much pain and his eyes stung every time he looked at her painful expressions. And his gut wretched at the sound of the shrilling pain filled moans and sobs. _

_When they finally arrived the two men immediately rushed her into the ambulance, I had called my father to come pick me up. He and my mother had divorced when I was young... but thankfully he still lived close. I wanted to call Kadaj but I decided against it. I didn't want him to worry, and I knew he would over react to the news. _

_By the time she had gotten home I could tell something was off. Her eyes drifted open and shut and her words slurred. Her movements were slow and jerky, and her face seemed to droop. I thought maybe it was just the after effect of the pain medication she had with a combination of her being so tired. I wasn't really sure, but I knew whatever it was.. It made me even more upset. I had to carry her to the other room to lay down in bed, she mumbled a few incoherent words but I dismissed them. And as Cloud, at 13 looked down at his mother he hoped she would wake up to be herself again. _

"I think...That... was the beginning....," Cloud spoke softly to himself the sound of his voice echoing into his ears.

The familiar hum of his mothers car caught his ears as he heard it pull into the driveway. Seconds later to be followed by some very familiar yelling, Kadaj, followed by stomping foot steps up the stairs and ending with a dramatic slam of a door.

Cloud winced and made a face, "And..."

As if on cue he heard his mother's voice scream, " Why are you slamming MY doors!!"

The heavy foot steps of his mother followed along with a creak from the door she yanked open before slipping into the room all the while never ending her assault of high pitched screaming.

Cloud rolled his eyes and sat up in the bed covering his face and rubbing it hard in his palms, "One day I swear..." He stood up and walked to the door ignoring the blaring of the voices in the room next to his he walked downstairs and let himself out of the house. He wanted to get away, and thankfully his good friend vincent was only a couple minutes walk up the road. He knew it didn't matter if he left a note or not, his mother would predictably throw her arms in the air and retreat down stairs shouting a few obscenities. Than she would climb over to that very 'comforting' medicine cabinet and pick out the lastest issued narcotic for the day.

Cloud kicked at the loose gravel scattered on the side of the road and turned his head to look over the side of the rail to the creek. He began to lose himself in thought.

It had been 3 years since it 'started' as he determined eariler. Soon his mother would go back to the doctor and complain about her back or something that bothered her and the doctor would throw signed prescribtions at her. Loratab, Oxycotton, Hydrocodone, Anti-Depressants, the works. They didn't care as long as they got their money and sent you on your merry way. She was an addict and she loved to party. Most of the time Cloud and Kadaj would be left at home with some questionable babysitter who would than bring over friends and such. Sometimes they were lucky enough to get a relative and other times... they were surprised the shady teens hadn't killed them in their sleep. He scoffed and a slight flush passed his cheeks in embarrassment.

_He was only 10 at the time, Kadaj had only been 8. The new babysitter had invited a number of boys and a couple girls over to the apartment for beers and laughs. They all gathered on the enclosed front porch and Cloud and Kadaj, being curious, couldn't help but step out into the open to see what was going on. After a while Cloud noticed the kids being more and more pushy. The boys shoved eachother and the girls giggled egging them on. Cloud had decided that him and Kadaj had spent enough time on the porch and that he should get his younger brother to bed. Standing up Cloud grabbed his younger brother's hand leading him to the apartment. But before he could walk even a few steps one of the rowdy teens pushed another boy sending him sprawling backwards knocking himself right into Cloud. Cloud flew backwards knocking into his brother falling with a loud thud to the floor. The next thing to process through Cloud's mind was the warm wet feeling surrounding his jeans. As his ears registered laughing he looked down his face beating bright red. _

_"Yo! That kid just pissed his pants!" The boys laughed uncontrollably. _

_I choked back my tears and grabbed my brother up off the floor and ran inside locking them all out. I slid to the floor against the door as the babysitter beat on the door yelling to let her in. I wouldn't, instead I sat in front of the door crying. Kadaj, standing above me started to cry. I don't think he was upset, I think he just saw me crying and it was just his natural impulse to cry as well. _

Cloud gritted his teeth and kicked a large rock sending it down the hill off the side of the road and into the creek. He than continued to walk to Vincent's. Finally getting close to the house his eyes glow with frustration, " He's not home..."

Cloud looks back down the road he came from and sighed, " I really don't want to go back..."

He grunted in defeat and made his way back home. Once he opened the door to his home he quirked an eyebrow at his mother. She was sitting only inches from the TV, with a cigerette in one hand and a cup of Iced Tea in the other. Her mouth hung open and her eyes half-lidded and glazed over staring dully at the visions before her dancing acorss the television screen. Cloud sighed and nearly whispered, " You shouldn't sit that close ma.."

She barely moved, more or less it was a twitch, as her head hung over to look over to Cloud, "Hmm..?"

Her attempt at being alert made Cloud's face twist in disguist, " Forget it.." Without much of a protest from his mother he climbed the stairs to his room. He wasn't very tired, but sleep would have to do.

Dragging himself in his room he shut the door behind him and plopped down on the bed. Pulling the covers close he shoved his head into the pillow and curled up on his side. As he began to drift to sleep he prayed that he would be granted the mercy of not waking back up.

---------------------End Chapter ONE


	2. Guilt Reach

**GUILT **

_You should have lived… _

Cloud buried his head further down against his pillow body shaking against his will. He tried to force his breathing back to a steady rhythm; desperately trying to allow sleep to take over his concise. The hot tears that streamed from his eyes were greedily sucked into his cotton pillow pooling wet patches on the fabric. His heavy breathing slowed into choked sobs and he squeezed his eyes painfully shut. His shaky hand viciously rubbed at the foreign tears spilling from his eyes. It was weak. It was disgusting and he hated how weak he felt. The tears brought no comfort only shame; he was not this weak nor did he want to allow himself to be. No matter what the reason.

_She was so full of life_; Cloud choked back a sob. Aerith, a girl that Cloud secretly knew to be a half sister, was now dead. The girl at only sixteen had fallen suddenly ill to leukemia. Her condition was stable for a while before she took a turn for the worst. It was abrupt and quick, and without warning.

Cloud remembered her asking for him to draw a silly picture of her favorite cartoon character; Cloud finding this out through his cousin having never going to the hospital to see the poor girl. He felt a pane of guilt sting in his chest. He never did grant the girl her wish; he swore this would pass over and she would return to her boastful self in all due time. But instead the frail girls' body suddenly gave out. The struggle her body endured; the pain she must have felt. Cloud bit into his lip tasting the familiar copper of blood swarm around the area; nowhere near the pain that her parents' felt when they had no other choice but to take the girl off life-support. Cloud shivered at the thought of having to make such a decision. The girl had gone completely brain dead. There was no coming back, no thoughts just emptiness. The empty look that must have overcome her eyes; the idea of the hollowness behind her once vibrant eyes made him cringe. He couldn't even muster the courage to say his final goodbyes to her. The idea of seeing the girl lying in her coffin; the confirmation that this really was it she was gone.

Cloud felt another knife twist into his heart. He didn't know the girl well. He knew, for a while at least, that the girl was related to him. A few sour notes passed through his mother's lips about his father, she had refused to refer to the man by anything else, sleeping with the girl's mother. She ranted on about how he tried to deny cheating on my mother but soon after his 'affair' with the other woman she had gotten pregnant. Cloud of course didn't believe his mother's none sense at first; he rarely did. But as he looked at his 'sister' he noticed more and more how much she looked like a strife; his father's side of the family. Her chestnut locks and warm emerald eyes, the way she was built, her demeanor; she was nothing less than a beautiful female version of his father. Cloud's throat ached and his head throbbed as he fought to control himself.

_I didn't try to know her… I just shut her out and I never gave her a chance… I'll never have that chance now… she didn't deserve this… Could she ever forgive me…? _

Cloud's thoughts swirled circles in his head. The pain growing in his chest and the sobs wracking his body; he wished it had been him. She had so much left for her and he had nothing, why was he allowed to live. Why couldn't someone who deserved life; someone so full of life. Why hadn't he fallen ill, why? His mind screamed and his body began to cave into exhaustion. His sobs died even though whimpers persisted as he was drawn into sleep curled up on his side grasping tightly at his tear soaked pillow.

**Cloud found himself awaken by his phone as it rung painfully through his ears. As he gripped the covers to draw them away to swing his feet to the side of the bed he froze. He felt someone was here; his eyes darted around the room and his brows tensed together as his eyes narrowed. The room was glowing an eerie blue tint as light flooded through the open window. He watched as the small gusts of wind outside pushed the drapes up seemingly floating in the air. He cautiously placed his feet onto the floor as he looked forward; before he could push himself up to stand he felt the presence again. **

**Eyes; they felt like they burrowed into his skin. He held his breath and almost gasped; the lack of air in his lungs hadn't allowed him and instead he felt dizzy. His eyes caught with the creature standing at the opposite end of the room just across from the bewildered boy. He froze as he examined it his eyes widening in fear. The creatures' face looked to be a cross between a horse and a pig; but the skin was like leather pulled back tightly and wrinkled; not one hair on it. Its eyes were hollowed and all that was visible was two narrow black empty holes. Course and stringy black hair draped over the creatures head and it wore a black cape completely hiding its body. Cloud shuddered as he focused on the creatures' **_**lack **_**of eyes. He was frozen in place and the creature refused to move as well. They were trapped by each other's eyes for what felt to Cloud like an eternity before the creature finally motioned for Cloud to come forth. Uneasy Cloud hesitantly followed the creatures' request; for whatever reason he found a voice commanding him to oblige to the beasts' request. The creatures' dried hands reached out from the cloak to cradle Cloud's jaw in its palm. It tilted its head to lock eyes with Cloud once again and Cloud found his eyes involuntarily closing. He felt a warm glow over take his body; his eyes began to flutter open and he watched as streams of green glowing tendrils swirled around him. The beast all but gone from view; in the creatures stead a bright white opening lay ahead. Clouds' feet moved on their own accord as they treaded into the blinding light. He felt himself being lifted and his stomach dropped; he closed his eyes tightly again and held his breath. **

"**Come Boy…" An elderly voice croaked.**

**Cloud blinked his eyes open to find a lanky old woman peering at him. Her skin was aged; wrinkles and deep crevices spread across her face and pale hands. Cloud was at a loss; he looked around desperately trying to find where he was. Cloud found himself standing on a wide ledge off the face of a tall brown stone mountain. He quickly dismissed the possibly of a mountain as he looked closer; he didn't know 'what' this was. **

**A tall stone rose behind him and to his left; behind him the same blinding white archway he had stepped through before stood tall. The archway dwarfed by the incredibly tall rocks that seemed to climb endlessly towards the sky. The stones were a mixture of brown, crimson, and gold tones and layers. The sky held a pale blue completely clear and void of any Cloud's; Cloud himself couldn't find a sun settled in the sky either and wondered how it was light out without the burning star. He noticed a solitary shrub of a tree barely grown out of the ground. It was lifeless; no leaves adorn its thin and frail twigs. It was a gray color and the bark was flaky; Cloud focused on this for some reason and he felt his heart sink. He was unable to tear his eyes from it until the elder woman spoke again.**

"**She wishes to see you… Come Child…" **

**Cloud nodded not really aware of what the woman was talking about; he hadn't the slightest idea what was going on but he somehow knew he needed to follow the woman as he did the creature that led him here in the first place. **

**The wide ledge off the face of the rock formation led them to a small wooden cottage. It seemed to float on the edge of the cliff. Something about it warmed Cloud's heart as he continued to walk the path towards it; and he found his pace quickened. Nearing the small building Cloud found his voice, but barely, and spoke softly to the thin elder leading him towards the door.**

"**Who… Who is she?"**

**As they stood in front of the house the elder paused at the door before looking back to the young boy; her face was soft but she didn't smile. She remained impassive and she opened the door standing aside as she ushered the boy in without a word.**

"**The dining room," she commanded.**

**How he knew where to go was beyond him; he simply followed the woman's' orders and upon hearing a few voices from the next room over he knew he was headed in the correct direction. As turned a corner in the house and made his way through a narrow door way into the long dining room. It was short width wise; it allowed people enough room to walk around the lengthy dining room table that took up most of the rooms' space. The table was a deep brown oak and four chairs were tucked on either side of it; and one chair on each end. He glanced to the seats looking over to find which were empty. All but three were occupied and Cloud wondered to himself where exactly that third person was for the last of the seats. He was guided to sit at the opposite end of the table in the fourth seat on the right side; his eyes stared at the empty chair next to him at the end of the table and wondered again who the elder had spoken about earlier. He looked to the other occupants of the room and he found their attire was scattered between different time eras. He was seated next to a younger woman who wore a tight corset dress. The bottom of the dress seemed to poof out at the waist. Her head adorning a rather large sun hat decorated by jewels and feathers; she wore long elegant white gloves with pearls wrapped around his wrist and neck. She was stunning; an elegant Victorian woman. His eyes drifted to the man sitting next to her. His figure being the complete opposite from the tiny woman bound by her corset; his stomach protruded under his western style suit. A glass lens clenched carefully in his left eye; his cheeks were rosy, his face sporting an odd goatee. Cloud's eyes wandered across the table at this point to look over the other figures at in their seats chatting casually. There were two more males and one other female sitting across from him; all wearing far out dated clothing. And by out dated he meant century old fashions. Cloud was puzzled by their appearances but didn't dwell on it for long as the elderly woman again drew their attention to her. **

"**Time to eat," she stated as food was laid out before them. Cloud thanked the, what he guessed was the servant, and paused before picking up his fork. He tensed as he watched the other go to raise their forks and spoke quickly, "Wait, What about the girl?" Cloud blinked at his own question; he wasn't sure why he knew that the two women sitting down weren't the ones the elder was speaking about but he knew none the less. It was his gut feeling and he didn't feel right eating while the person that was waiting for him wasn't even there yet in the first place. **

**The elderly woman just smiled, "She's here now…"**

**As she spoke Cloud's eyes shot wide at the figure that walked through the narrow doorway at the opposite side of the room. Her chestnut bangs hid her bowed face and a sad smile was the only facial feature Cloud could make out from under her bangs. She moved passed him and sat at the table; picking the seat next to his at the end of the table. Her eyes never met his but her smile was present the entire time. **

"**Aerith…Aerith are you alright? Please Aerith," Cloud wasn't sure why he was pleading; or even what he was pleading about. He needed to hear her, he needed to apologize; he wanted to be forgiven for being so selfish. **

**Before he could continue the elder silenced him, "You will have time to speak later; now we eat. Enjoy this time together…"**

**She sat opposite to Aerith at the other end of the long oak table. Cloud complied but throughout the meal he couldn't help but keep glancing at Aerith again and again impatiently. There were so many things he wanted to say; so much that was left unsaid. After everyone finished Cloud prodded her with more questions and pleading; not once raising a response from the pale girl. **

"**Are you ok? Is everything alright?" He received only a nod and a half-hearted smile. Of course things weren't alright, "No… no, it's not okay… I-I… Aerith, I'm so sorry… Come back, you can come back ok? It's not right you shouldn't be here… You have to go back…."**

**He felt the familiar sting of tears willing to spill from his eyes. Why wouldn't she speak to him? Why would she only shake or nod her head in response? He tried to touch the girls' face; she felt so cold. He drew his hand back only to have it fall to his lap in a defeated heap and he stared at the empty plate in front of him. He felt her cold finger tips reach under his chin to turn his face towards hers. She smiled reassuringly with her soft eyes. He felt at a loss of words; her eyes spoke what her lips did not. **

**She was going to be okay. He didn't need to worry; and she would miss him dearly as he would her. They hadn't known each other well but they shared an almost invisible bond together. And she promised that even now; even without really knowing one another that the bond would never break. And she would never be far from him. **

"**It's time now… We must go boy," the elder spoke and Cloud's heart nearly stopped as he whipped his head to stare at her with wide eyes. **

"**No…Not yet, I don't want to…" He was cut off by Aerith's finger tips withdrawing from the bottom of his chin and he felt a warm kiss on his forehead before the girl moved away from him towards the doorway.**

"**Aerith, wait! Wait!!"**

**The girl hadn't responded to his yell; instead she disappeared from sight. Cloud jumped from his seat and rounded the corner to look out from the door she had just left from and saw no trace of her. The elderly woman just placed a bony hand on his shoulder, "We must leave…"**

**Cloud did as directed, each step out the door and through the rocky cliff stung and jabbed at his chest. He wasn't done speaking to Aerith. He wanted, no, needed to tell her one last thing. She needed to know. He wanted her to know that she was flesh and blood to him; if only partly. He wanted to apologize for being such a terrible brother. Before they reached the archway he paused stopping the elder in her tracks. She turned to him and glared at him solemnly in question. **

"**I...I need to say one last thing… before I go..," Cloud confessed and thankfully the woman nodded.**

**She summoned a glass ball from her cloak; much like the same cloak the beast wore; and guided it to hover in front of Cloud's eyes. A smoky image of Aerith came into view and Cloud desperately spoke everything he could. He spoke of their relation; of his guilt; of her importance. He needed to make her realize it wasn't okay for her to leave. It wasn't right and it wasn't her time; she had so much ahead of her and he made sure he made his point across. The more he spoke the more his lungs began to feel as though they caved in his chest; his heart felt like it was beating in his ears; and his eyes began to blur again from tears springing freely from his eyes. When he could finally speak no more he leaned closer to the image of her searching her face for any type of response. His breath was ragged and choked. Before her image disappeared he saw her smile and mouthed the words 'thank you Cloud' before fading away. **

**He frantically looked about the orb and searched the elderly woman's' eyes, "Wait! No, she can't go!"**

**The woman shook her head, "You must go back now…" She lifted a cord that appeared to run into the bright archway. "I have to cut the link tying this realm to your own… This will be the last you will be able to come here. You can't come back." **

"**What?? Why, why can't I come back?! Why can't …………," Cloud watched as the woman took shears to the cord and he felt his body fall backwards into the archway. His entire body felt like it was being pulled down and his insides seemed to pull tight in his body as he fell backwards.**

Cloud's eyes shot open, fresh tears already falling from them. His body shook violently and he curled in on himself into a tight ball. He held his knees to his chest and nearly screamed at the pain that pierced his chest. His sobs grew louder and he felt his lungs burn at the sharp intakes of air. His heart felt like it was being crushed; and he could no longer hold back the yell of anguish that ran past his lips as he screamed at the tormenting feeling_. I will never know her… I have lost her forever… _


	3. Guilt My Child

Gulit - My Child

Cloud's eyes were covered in a glossy layer; the stinging in his chest and eyes daring for the glistening shield of tears to fall. He felt he didn't deserve to cry; they made the decision. It was for the best; of all parties…. Wasn't it? The pounding in his ears and the harsh tearing of ragged breaths making past his shaking lips told a different story. There was no denying that in all logic it 'was' the correct decision; right or wrong, but the pained feeling radiating throughout his being screamed in agony at the cruel nature of it all.

Nothing in particular had brought forth the sudden surge of raw emotion. There was no trigger; no warning and this happened often. Out of the blue Cloud would find his thoughts drifting over what they had done; what they had chosen to do.

Alone in the house curled his bed Cloud broke the comfortable silence of the room, "I refuse…to be like…her…" The sentence came in a harsh, distasteful whisper. The words seeming to hover in the stale air over his head as they repeated in his mind; not like her… not like mother… Cloud shifted in the bed slightly; the first movement he had made for what seemed like hours. He reflected on his own words as they danced through his mind dully.

His mother was young and naïve; she was still selfish and it didn't matter how much she cared for her children. Desires of the heart and desires of the body are both powerful but the funny thing is, Cloud had come to realize, the body tends to win most of the time. _We are weak beings_; Cloud mused. Physical desire held a power over our mentalities. Our minds are tricked from sensible actions and common sense. Why? Because we crave… Because we desire… Because we need to feel; lust, passion, pain… all these emotions are starved for the physical. Our logic is completely disregarded and we give in. _She had given in…_, Cloud's hands tightened into fist as they clenched at the blankets around him. She had given in to it all; and he refused to follow her path. His face twisted. He wondered how she had managed to look at her children before running off to numb herself with drugs and fulfill her desires. How could she hold them and say she loved them even though she would selfishly leave them with the most unbecoming children as babysitters while she went with her friends to the bar. Cloud would have laughed sinisterly at his next thought but it was choked back by a defeated sob; He felt a strange tugging at his heart as he remembered how she cradled the pills before she swallowed them. She held them more delicately than her own kids. They were her salvation; they were her escape. Cloud smiled bitterly; and they were her priority for so long….

No. He couldn't be like her; would never be like her. He would never be so selfish. He wouldn't treat his children with the same disregard that she had. It was common for him just to take off or tell her he was leaving and she would say next to nothing. It didn't matter what Cloud had said. He could have told her that he was going to jump into a cage with hungary lions with chunks of raw meat to his back and she was just far to incoherant to notice or care.

He would never wish his life on anyone. He sighed, he didn't have the worst life; that he knew. But that didn't matter to him. So what if others had it worse? Sure he felt bad for them but honestly, Cloud was Cloud, not the poor starving child on the television. And hearing that he could've been worse off didn't heal the emotional scars that marred his flesh. It didn't change the fact that his father struggled and fought just to provide him and his brother a decent living. It didn't change the fact that his mother bounced from apartment to apartment skipping out on bills and drowning herself in countless bottles of prescription pills. It couldn't tear the memories of his beaten mother or raging father; wouldn't dissipate the smoky haze clouding his mothers eyes; couldn't take away all the years Cloud fought to hold his family together trying to take care of his mother and brother; couldn't mend the bitter words shot out like venom through his mother to his father and vice versa; it would 'never' take any of that away.

Cloud buried his head farther into his pillow as slow beading tears made their way down his face soaking into the cotton fabric. Of course it wouldn't have been the same situations or events; but the fear was still there. It wasn't that he thought he was weak enough to give into what his mother had; or afraid of having to work as hard as his father did. He just wanted to provide something better, something stable and normal; he didn't want to struggle and raise a child in the type of environment he had grown up in. He didn't want to stare into his child's eyes and say everything's fine than drown himself in booze or pills or worse. He wanted a home; a stable income; all in arm's reach of course. He didn't need a mansion or a fancy BMW; truth be told he was still only 18 and living with his girlfriends sister and brother in law and their child at the time. What kind of life is that for a child? The familiar gut wrenching feeling of a knife twisted and he whimpered he did what he thought was right… Not right… He knew such a terrible thing could never be completely just.

A large burst of air left his lungs as he struggled to take a breath. He remembered Tifa as she came home from his doctor's visit. It other wise was any routine day; he relaxed playing video games after a long day at work. Tifa would come home they would eat with the rest of the family. After he would play with his niece until the little girl was tuckered out and ready for sleep; which Clouded smiled softly wouldn't usually take very long. The girl was not blood related but in Cloud's eyes blood hadn't mattered. He would even dare say that Tifa's niece was closer to his own child than a distant niece. His smile was ripped from his face completely at the thought as his mind shifted back onto topic. Tifa had sat down on the bed holding a few sheets of paper grasped tightly in her balled up fist. She hadn't said anything; she couldn't; she simply kept her gaze on the floor and struggled to carry a small tormented smile. Cloud had inquired as to why she was so upset but she had said nothing. When Cloud took in a closer look at her stressed features he noticed the girl's eyes were red and puffy and every muscle visible to the eye was tense. He didn't need to see that what wasn't visible was tense; her body was square and the feeling of her tenseness radiated from her. All she could do was slowly pushing the papers to Cloud's hands as they shook. Cloud took the papers and watched Tifa's unsteady hands before his eyes finally settled over the paper. A barely audible, 'I'm sorry' were the only words that passed her lips. Cloud went to look up in question but Tifa took the opportunity to shove her index to point out the key sentence on the page. Cloud's eyes dropped to the sentence and his heart all but froze in his chest. His body became still and ridged; his breathing stopping all at once. His eyes remained over that one sentence for what felt like an eternity for the young couple. And finally Tifa could take no more of the silent reaction of her beloved and she quickly brought her hands to cover her face as tears sprung from her eyes. Her chest seemed to be caving in with her short unsteady breaths; as she tried desperately to breathe. Cloud reacted slowly drawing Tifa into his arms holding her tightly in his grasp. He soothed her as he pet her long hair whispering that it would be okay even though he knew it wouldn't be. He tried to be strong for her but he couldn't hide the tears that washed down his own cheeks. Cloud tried to reason with her; he wasn't positive of his words but he knew he needed to speak of their options. Tifa was pregnant… Now what? The question plagued him; what should they do. They would be able to provide a decent living at least, they would receive help no doubt and he was sure they could make it work. Cloud even went as far as trying to decipher how they could financially overcome the situation. But his thoughts were interrupted as she spoke softly against his neck, "Cloud… we're too young…We can't…it's too soon…."

Cloud's eyes went wide as he realized what Tifa was really saying; what she had said without saying rather, "A-An……" Cloud couldn't find it in his vocabulary at the moment; he couldn't speak the foul word. Thinking of it made his tongue go dry and feel like a mouthful of sand. She repeated herself; Cloud wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or reassure herself, "It's just too soon…"

Cloud went to speak in protest but the words wouldn't form themselves. His heart felt heavy and his stomach felt like it was in knots. He could feel the tension of his stomach wanting to spew bile and expel it from his system. But instead he held her; motionless and heart broken as she continued, "If…If we had… Cloud we live with my sister… We work at minimum wage jobs; we can't offer anything…"

The words strummed a painfully string in his heart and he recalled his own childhood. She was right; they were young and they didn't have much to offer. Cloud frowned; they could offer love and compassion… but… was that enough? To Tifa that didn't seem to be the case. And in Cloud's mind he felt like the love he could give his child would make up for material items without a doubt, but did he really want his child to feel as trapped as he did? He could struggle to make a good living but that would sacrifice the time he would have just like it had with his father. Did he really want that? He knew he wanted nothing more than to carry his baby in his arms but the harsh reality of things set upon him. Was it selfish to want the baby? Was it selfish to want to have that child and make him or her to grow up like Cloud had?

Cloud tensed in his bed and sobbed as he drew his legs closer to his chest; was it selfish to want the child or was it selfish to allow that child to go? Were they both selfish decisions? Cloud's mind stretched over a vast array of questions swimming through his mind.

_Almost a year….._ Cloud sighed as his trembling continued and his heart ached even more. He wondered what his child might have looked like; what he or she would've accomplished by now. Would his young love be crawling or saying their first words? Would he or she be smiling and cooing as she/he swatted at his spiked blonde locks. Would it have his eyes or Tifa's? Tifa would often try and make light of the conversation joking on about how the world wasn't ready for such a beautiful child. I wondered how she could joke about such things; it seemed almost inhuman in nature. The words settled uncomfortably in his mind as she spoke them and he couldn't help but feel a sting in his eyes. He sighed deeply he remembered how Tifa spoke of the day she went to the clinic. How awkward and uncomfortable she felt. How the eyes focused on her as if she was the devil himself made her shrink. The most bothersome to her, as she had said, was the looks of pity she received. She didn't want to use the suction method; instead she had to take two pills. One to stop the pregnancy; the other to release the embryo from her womb…. The thought in itself scared Cloud but she didn't seem to react in the same way. Instead she reacted with a low burning flame of anger. She told Cloud about the doctor handing her the small blue pill as she stared at it as it sat in the palm of her hand trying to fully digest what she was about to do. She quickly dismissed her thoughts and swallowed the pill quickly washing it down with a small cup of water given to her. She told Cloud that her heart ached but the pain in her chest turned into a burning sensation as she looked to her mother who was sitting next to her the entire time. The look of pity and sorrow in her mother's eyes enraged her. She didn't want to be felt sorry for. This was her doing and she was fully aware of what she had just done. She didn't need her mother's eyes to remind her or make her feel any worse than she already had.

Cloud had memorized the look; he had received it so many times from her mother. It broke his heart and he felt the anger build in his chest just as Tifa's did. They comprehended what they had done; what they felt they had to do at the time. No one needed to look at them as if they were dumb struck lost and naïve children. Especially not Cloud. The pain would never subside he knew that. There wouldn't be a day that he didn't see his niece and longed to see his own child. His tears fell from his eyes as he accepted the pain. The lingering question continuing to float in his mind; what is right?

I don't know if I'm 100% happy with this chapter... I may end up adding to it and editing it later on... I know very harsh topic but all that aside Please Review and let 'me' know what 'you' think please? Thank you for reading


	4. Gravity

The air in the room seemed thin; no matter how many breaths he took he still seemed light headed from lack of oxygen. His mind was racing; his heart was pounding. Every sound amplified around him; his unsteady breathing; his blood being pumped by his furious heart; the twitch of fabric from his shaky form. He licked his lips in a vain attempt to wet them; but no matter how many times he moistened the parched pair they seemed to dry and crack even worse to the point that it hurt to move them even in the slightest. Blue orbs stared down at his upturned wrist. A razor pressed against the soft and delicate pale flesh; but he only held it there as he watched a small amount of blood surround the tip. He found the more he tried to push the more his stomach churned.

Could he do this? Was he really this weak?

Warm droplets splashed against his pale skin. The small droplets mixing with the blood surrounding the tip of the razors edge. He relished how his tears mixed with the blood. When had he started crying anyway? Did it even really matter anymore. His blue orbs focused intently as his hand held the razor firm against his skin.

Could he do it this time? Or would he fail in his attempt like all his other fruitless attempts?

His heart was in pain; and he didn't have anyone to heal it. Everytime he gave his heart away it would be thrown back to his feet in scattered broken shards. He would be left to pick up the pieces alone. A dagger twisted in his heart, or at least it felt like it.

No one was willing to help put back together the pieces; they only wanted to through more broken shards into the pile. Cloud looked blankly at his wrist as his mind continued to race. Instead of helping him; healing him, everyone just placed their own burdens and despairs onto his shoulders. But why? Why him? Why did everyone think that he was so strong? Why did everyone think he could take on the world and save it? Sure he had a mask in place for his family and friends; he would never allow them to see just how painful it was to just keep going. Maybe that was his downfall; but honestly, how did they not see the suffering in his eyes! No matter how much of that mask he slipped into his eyes would betray him; blank; dead; tired.... Did no one care to notice? He had taken on so much; had to grow up so quickly... Why was everyone... so.... selfish? Why did they feel it was O.K. to dump their own burdens onto Cloud's shoulders? Bad enough his friends pissed and moaned about their 'miserable' lives; miserable because they couldn't afford that lovely new game consule or mommy and daddy said no... But his mother...and now his father... Cloud expected it from his mother... but his father? When did his father become so weak... so vulnerable? Cloud wanted to sigh but his throat just couldn't cough up the noise; instead an odd pitched and painful note bellowed.

Why did his father look towards him to consule him? Why did his mother expect everything of Cloud and nothing of her other son? Why did his friends think that he had the best advice and all the answers? He didn't know anything!

Cloud threw the razor across the room, scraping his wrist as he pulled the blade away, "I'm not fit to help anyone... I can't even help myself...." The voice was in a low dark whisper as it hummed throughout his room. Cloud's eyes wandered to a safety pin near the bed; he had odd assortments of things in his room many of which people would find strange but to Cloud it was normal to randomly find things just laying around. In fact, he preferred it. He picked up the pin and stared at it with morbid fascination twirling it between his thumb and index fingers. Cloud sat forward in the bed as he dug the point of the needle to pierce through the skin on his arm; pointless...yes... but the sensation of it was somewhat relieving. It didn't hurt, Cloud thought with a slight grimace. His brows pressed together; what kind of freak wishes to feel pain... what was wrong with him anyway? Why this ritual of scraping; piercing; and failed attempts of digging the blade into his flesh?

Cloud gritted his teeth. He knew he wasn't making sense; his mind never truly made any sense to him. It would tell him one thing and he would feel another only to be thinking of something else all together. Did that even make sense?

What stopped him everytime? What made him fail you ask? Simple... Though he hated it; loathed it; grew more and more depressed as the days passed on.... he fought for it... He fought to save the world he hated so much. Fought to save the people he loathed and loved all at once. And he grew more and more depressed everyday so they didn't have to. If he was to die... he would erase all the efforts he put forth... He would drop the weight of the world on thier shoulders; and he didn't want to be like them. He didn't want to make them suffer so he could be happy. And oh god would it make him happy.

A twisted smile adorned his face; the feeling of weightlessness the idea of it all. Losing himself and giving in to the darkeness. He imagined it would be cold at first; but he would glady welcome that. He would embrace it and hold it close to freeze him over.

His smile faded and it slowly fell into a pained smirk; but here he was and here he would forever be... taking on everyone elses burdens... and trying to save the world... for them...

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Short..... Random............ so........... WHAT CHA THINK??? **_REVIEW!!!_** = ) love, me!


	5. How many did I have again?

It was 6 or 7am... Or at least something close to it... Had to be considering the sun was making it's way up into the sky. Funny; it seemed to come out of no where really. Cloud rambled in his mind as he stared off the tree covered mountain in front of them. The colorful array of orange, pink and yellow hues dancing there way over the light blue sky line was truly beautiful._ Even more fascinating with a few drinks_, Cloud chuckled. He lightly tapped his index finger to his lip and paused over his last thought, _Maybe... a little more than a few... maybe... _Cloud looked over to the boy to his right. They were the only ones awake out of their group. Cloud's mother, brother, his mother's friend and her two children and one of Cloud's friends Cissnei had all come up to camp for memorial weekend. Cissnei had passed out early on into the night; apparently she over did it with the drinks... Which, Cloud pondered, technically Cloud should be passed out right along side her really. A goofy grin plastered on his lips; obviously a bit drunk... just a bit.

"It's light out kid," Cloud stated; he wasn't all that tired, but by the looks of his new found drinking buddy, he could tell the other would fall over any minute.

"Sure is. I guess outta get myself to bed... I'll... see you later today," he asked with a sincere smile.

There was no doubt the boy had taken a very fond liking to Cloud; it was painfully obvious. And though he was cute; Cloud wasn't really _'into' _him.

Cloud and the other boy both stood from their respective fold out chairs and made their way across the camp to Cloud's tent. Mike, his new drinking buddy, offered a hug as they were to part so he could return to his own camp site. Cloud accepted the embrace and melted in the warm arms; now don't get the wrong impression. It wasn't that Cloud was melting into the embrace of a lover, more like, he was melting into a comforting embrace. The contact felt strange to Cloud; his entire body numb from his consuming of alcohol. Each touch and brush of skin felt like feathers dancing across his skin and the pressure for the other one's arms and body pressed against his made his entire body tingle. It was comforting... and Cloud felt like he did deserve the attention. After all he was usually the one who did the comforting... not the other way around.

Cloud tilted his head back to speak parting words but his words caught in his throat as he saw the others eyes. There was a strange emotion flickering in his new friends eyes. A longing and desire that Cloud hadn't seen in a long time. He hardly had time to part his lips to try and speak before he felt Mike's lips dance across his own. It was a strange kiss; but Cloud in his drunken high indulged himself in it. He loved the affection; the feeling of being wanted and possibly even needed. He longed for the unfamiliar sensation of lips moving against his own; the tongue ring too was a plus. Cloud smirked as they kissed a low groan parting past the other man's lips and vibrating against his own. As soon as he felt the other boy's hands against his slender waist he slowly broke the kiss; as to not offend the other only tell him that this was as far as he was willing to go.

Mike, though very obviously disappointed, didn't push the matter. He placed one soft kiss against Cloud's forehead before saying his goodbyes and heading towards his own tent. Cloud felt a blush... _or was that just from the alcohol...?_ Cloud giggled; yes... giggled.... as he stumbled into the tent where Cissnei was snoring with a surprisingly loud and destructive force. Even with the girl's snoring making it apparent as to where she was located in the tent Cloud still managed to stumble over his friend and nearly fall on top of her. She stirred from her sleep cursing in a slurring whispered voice. Cloud could only laugh as he pushed himself up, "Yo Cissnei.. Tongue rings are the shit!"

"Huh...," Cissnei took a moment to realize what Cloud was saying but as soon as she caught on she smirked; soon her own 'make out' buddy of the night popped back in her mind, "So, Lip rings are soooo much better."

They just laughed as Cloud whined, "Dude I need to take a serious pissssss! Come on Cissnei, walk with me!"

"Are you serious? I don't want to walk.... Aw... I think I have to take a leak... thanks for reminding me..."

Cloud and Cissnei; still laughing for really no reason at all other than the liquor that apparently was still driving their systems; walked to the bathroom huts. Along the way collecting Large blue cups that they used the night before for various drinks...

Maybe we should start from the beginning; and by the beginning I mean the moment the first toxic sip of alcohol that touched Cloud's lovely lips.

"I don't like shots," Cloud looked down at the foreign substance his eager 'friend' wished for him to consume. His voice it's normal flat tone; straight to the point.

"Ah, it's not that bad. It's a great way to start the night," Cissnei glowed as she lifted her own shot in the air. "Come on Cloud. Relax, live a little."

_Live a little.... Tch... Fuck it... What do I have to lose... _Cloud seemed to argue his own thoughts, _Only the contents of your stomach is what... _

Cissnei giggled as she poured Cloud and herself a shot. Cloud eyed the bottle in her hands; "Puerto Rican rum?" She just reassured him that he would like it as he eye balled the shot glass with apprehension. With a small sigh he tilted the glass to his lips and threw his head back; the foul liquid burning down his throat and settling in his gut. Of course by settling it meant that his stomach felt like it was on fire; his face twisted in disgust. Cissnei on the other hand only giggled; her nose scrunched a little being the only indication that she was even remotely affect by the foul taste.

"That was terrible...," Cloud muttered.

"Such a baby; here," Cissnei poured another shot and than turned to the cooler. Cloud tilted his head to see what she was digging through the ice for; he snapped back up into place as she turned around quickly in victory," This will do!"

Cloud blinked at the blue liquid floating in the plastic container, "...Cissnei... that's... kool aid..."

"No," she corrected him with a matter o fact tone, " It's a 'chaser'."

Cloud's raised brow was soon answered after five more shots of the foul liquid and sweet blue juice. It still had an awful after taste but Cloud just shrugged it off; he wasn't going to have Cissnei of all people poke fun at him all night for complaining about the taste of a few lousy shots.

Soon after they finished up the shots Cissnei pouted, "There's not much left; and I don't want your mom to get upset."

Cloud nodded; his mother would get pretty pissed if they finished off her bottle. Genius than struck, "I met this guy early; Mike. Said he would have a few drinks for us if we're interested..."

Cissnei cooed, "Ooh, you didn't tell me you have an admirer Cloudy!"

Another raised brow and a pair of crossed arms followed her comment, "Whatever... do you want to go find him or not?"

Cissnei only giggled softly, "Yeah sure, where would he be?"

Cloud shrugged, "Guess the pavilion but I don... ugh...!"

Cloud didn't have time to finish as Cissnei all but yanked him to their destination. After arriving Cloud smirked; _That wasn't so hard.. _

The pavilion had already been packed for the events taking place later that night; nothing much just a DJ and a camp full of drunks; but it would be fun none the less. Mike wasn't to hard to spot out of the crowd; he was a larger guy, not fat per say but not exactly fit either. Tall and a little bulky Cissnei described him. Mike was talking to his younger brother and both were leaning against his car. It was a green mustang; Cloud guessed a 91' or 92'. Not to long after introducing Cissnei to Mike they were on their way to Mike's site for some drinks.

Somewhere in between the introduction to white Russians and finishing his first three he found himself heading back to the pavilion with his small group; of course yet another white Russian and a cup of Jell-O shots with a spoon in hand. Cissnei carried her own drinks; a white Russian and her own cup of Jell-O shots. Mike following right next to Cloud with a water bottle mixed with his own concoction. Back at the pavilion they all managed to find a table for themselves to sit at. The music had already started though not to many people were drunk enough to make embarrassments out of themselves. Cloud knew Cissnei was looking forward to that part of the night; but at the moment he knew what she was thinking. Cissnei let her eyes playfully trail from Cloud's to Mike, "Hey Mike; you mind watching our drinks for a minute. I need to speak with Cloud... privately..."

Cloud only shook his head, "We won't be long." Mike nodded with a smile as he gave Cloud's thigh a quick squeeze, "I'll be waiting."

Cissnei tugged Cloud behind the pavilion inching closer to him, "So we need to find someone for me too you know!"

Cloud blinked rapidly; why did it seem he was doing that so often, "What do you mean someone for you?"

Cloud was a little fearful of her but listened none the less, "Well you, Cloudy, have mikey boy over there... So who's going to give me some attention, hm?"

"I don't know Cissnei maybe he has a friend or... Wait what? Mike," he corrected, "is just a friend..."

Cissnei snickered; her breath already reeked of rum and Cloud silently wondered how bad his breath smelt, "Well that's not the way 'he' sees it; he's a little touchy feely don't you think?"

Another arched brow and a slightly opened mouth the only response as he failed to come up with a rebuttal; but she was partially right... Mike did grab his thigh; he didn't mind but he didn't take it 'that' way. A lot of his friends, male or female, had touched him in gestures just like mike had; but he never looked upon them as anything other than friendly.

"See! Ok so now! Someone for me Cloud, focus..," Cissnei chuckled with a squeeze on Cloud's shoulder trying to stir him from his thoughts.

"Alright Alright; I'll ask ok," Cloud sighed but couldn't help but smile at his friend," I need another drink..."

"That's the spirit! Come on!" Cissnei bounced back to their table at the pavilion and Cloud followed suit both sitting in their seats. Mike smirked at Cloud's reappearance and waited eagerly for the boy to pipe up; he really was trying to remain cool but something about Cloud made the boy giddy. Cloud smiled taking a sip of his drink, "So Cissnei," Cloud's eyes trailed to the giggly girl with a hint of annoyance which was all but erased by his cheeky grin, "would like to know if you have a 'friend' that she can 'hang out' with tonight. For some reason she seems to think she's a third wheel..." Mike only snickered, "Well understandable.. Yeah I might know a guy she would like; I'll be right back... you guys want some more drinks while I'm up?" Cissnei nodded her head smiling, "Great idea!" Cloud only snickered, "We haven't even finished our..." He was cut off by Cissnei who put the blonde in a head lock, "He'll take two!" Cloud wrestled out of Cissnei's hold the sight making Mike chuckle once again, "Gotcha; be right back guys."

Some time after Cloud finished his Jell-O shots and cup of white _... whatever... _he was forced to drink the rest the of Cissnei's cup; or should he say cups. Though she was so eager for another round of drinks; before they even finished their last...; she didn't seem to be fairing to well. She was already getting sloppy; and the new kid to the group... _err Steve maybe?_ thankfully didn't seem the type to take advantage of that. Sure they kissed; a lot; as the evening went on but for the most part he remained respectful and kept an eye out for her. Cloud still watched out for him none the less but he relaxed a little.

Night had already fallen and after yet another round of drinks Cloud smirked over at Cissnei; he was certainly feeling some of the effects of the alcohol. _What was the last couple of drinks... um... mudslides? Man they were good; _the taste of chocolate was good anytime of the day and Cloud secretly held an insatiable sweet tooth, "Cissnei; Come on lets dance!"

Cissnei only laughed, "Cloud you dance? Seriously?"

Cloud didn't share her amusement he only pouted, "Cissneiiiiiiiii.........," he directed his attention to Mike, "Mike...?" Cloud spoke in the cutest; yes cutest; voice he could muster while pouting his lip.

_Man this stuff was effecting him strangely... _

Mike only shook his head, "Nyah not me little one; I don't dance.."

Cloud huffed, "Fine..... I'll just found someone to dance with!" Cloud declared with a goofy grin as he polished off the last of his drink; half a cup of... oh who cared!? He all but danced his way to the center of the crowd and lost himself in the music; it wasn't long that someone in the crowd took notice of the slender boy. Cloud shivered as he felt someone's hot breath tickle the back of his neck and the bottom of his earlobe, "Dance with me..?" The voice was soft, no doubt female, Cloud didn't mind it and smiled. He turned to be face to face with the girl; she was by no means beautiful but she was cute. Not that that mattered really; he only wanted someone to dance with. The girl wrapped a thin arm around his waist and hung her other arm loosely around his shoulders. Cloud chuckled mentally as the girl moved in closer to grind her hips into his; it really was quite amusing to him. Sure he had people that thought he was cute or looked at him from afar but none had been so bold as to approach him let alone grind themselves against him; it was just too funny at the moment. He glanced over to Cissnei, Mike, and ?Steve?... every so often. Cissnei was all but hooting and hollering while _?Steve? _laughed along side her; Mike however didn't seem so entertained. Perhaps he did like Cloud that much more; the next two songs ended pretty quickly and soon the girl planted a kiss on Cloud's cheek and thanked him for the dance before bounding off with her friends. Cloud chuckled as the girl and her friends giggled; no doubt she was going on and on about her 'dance with the blonde hottie'. Cloud mused that if he didn't have a buzz he might have thought otherwise; hilarious that such a silly drink could give him that much confidence. So much in fact that he decided; he would find someone else to dance with as well. He walked over to the picnic table; Cissnei ruffled his hair as he found his seat, "You little dog you!"

"Cissnei! Knock it off will ya, Oooh Drink," Cloud's goofy grin resurfaced as he drank the contents of his last drink. He drew the cup from his lips and stared longingly inside the cup, "...Empty..." He smiled up to Mike, "Can I have more?"

Mike's seemingly miserable demeanor all but vanished at how cute Cloud was, "Sure what would you like babe?"

"I'll come with you; we can get a few, I don't think I want just one anyway," Cloud winked and jumped up grabbing Mike's hand and dragging him along. Mike submitted to being 'dragged' through the camp to his site. Once there Cloud turned around to face the boy only to trip; he pulled on Mike for support but the other male couldn't hold his footing and they feel down the ground with a combined 'Ooummff!'.

Cloud could only burst out laughing as he fell; Mike laughing right along with him. Mike pulled himself back a little; he was practically straddling Cloud with the exception of his right leg which was pinned between Cloud's. He saw Mike try to move in for a kiss but Cloud pushed himself up with his elbows and extended his hand, "Mind helping me up?" Mike almost frowned but caught himself with a brief smile as he pulled himself than Cloud up to their feet.

After settling on something Mike called Cream sickles they headed back to the pavilion drinks in hand. The night went on a little uneventful for a while; mostly just rambled slurs and ridiculous conversations; even some odd displays of dancing and showing off in the mix. Soon the night was winding down but Cloud who had pounded drink after drink of whatever he was handed was far from done.

"TO THE CAMP SITE," Cloud shouted chuckling as he and Cissnei hung their arms around each others shoulders; Mike and Steve not far behind laughing at the site in front of them. The two swayed and stumbled laughing as they moved along; singing raving and bursting in to loud fits of even more laughter. It wasn't till they made it to the site to start drinking with Cloud's mother and her friends that Cissnei finally was about ready to fall over. Cloud teased Cissnei as she stumbled to incoherent to walk let alone stand as she went on and on about… well… really nothing. Nothing she had said made any sense; the only thing that silenced her was her urges to sit in Steve's lap and gnaw at his neck like a predatory animal; which said man didn't seem to mind. Cloud saw he was still very much in his view and that Steve wasn't trying anything else so he just brushed it off and went straight back into drinking. Long Island Iced Tea… that was it; straight from the bottle. Yup; and that's what sent Cissnei over the edge; well…. She sat at the edge and puked but same thing. Steve watched her carefully and held her hair back rubbing her back to comfort her.

Cloud had to chuckle; the night before it was him puking and Cissnei teasing him… Oddly enough he had far less to drink the night before but it was Cissnei who was heaving not him… figure that one out.

"What was that about tolerance Cissnei," Cloud called over in a mock teasing tone.

"Yo Fughk you Clo-blaaaaahaack-"

Cloud cringed, "Gross, not very attractive Cissnei!" He received the finger and laughed at her feeble 'come back'. Soon after he helped clean her face up and set her in the tent to sleep; than it was back to drinking.

Mike's cousin came over; a lot older than Mike but not 'that' much older. What disturbed Cloud was the fact that his mother; now obliterated; was hanging all over the man. Incoherently ranting on how she didn't like him but liked that he was from where she grew up; than immediately groping said man. Cloud rolled his eyes before turning to Mike, "Any other drinks?"

Mike whistled, "You cleaned me out Cloudy-boy…..There might be one bottle…"

Mike came back not to long after with a bottle of tequila. This is where it got strange…er? Cloud did a few shots will his mother's friend and her daughter came in blurting some strange story about a rave. And that's why they were now wandering the camp grounds in search of said rave. But they didn't find a rave…. Rather… they found… a tent party??

"WHERE IS THE RAAAAAAAAAAAVE," Cloud and his mother's friend shouted laughing the entire time. Mike, her daughter, herself, and Cloud all wearing glow sticks; oh yes they came prepared to rave…. Mike was swinging them around and Cloud watched as his mother's friend's daughter, Sam, danced in front of them. Sure she was sober; but that didn't mean she wasn't just as strange.

Out of the darkness a man's voice, "TEEEEEEEENT PARRRRRRRTY!!!!!!"

Cloud's brow raised, "WHAAAAAAAT!!?"

"TENT PARTY OVER HERE!!"

Cloud blinked, "What the fuck, WHERE?!"

"HERE"

"KEEP TALKING"

"OVER HERE!!"

Cloud and the other's laughed as they shouted to the random voice in search of this so called tent party. Cloud finally stumbled upon a man crouched half way out of his tent in a pair of boxers, "Tent party!"

Cloud laughed, "Not much of a party; you by yourself there buddy?"

"Not if you come in," the man winked and Cloud rolled his eyes, unseen by said man, and laughed, "That right?"

"You can bring your friends too; no females!"

Cloud shook his head and smiled amused at the situation, "Ridiculous…"

He turned to everyone, "No rave….. Let's go back."

After the 'tent' party they all returned safe and sound to the site; only to have quite a few call it a night. Thus was the comment that would lead Cloud on yet another escapade of binge drinking, "Don't seem so eager to drink that stuff; they'll be plenty left."

Mike motioned to the Tequila; in which Cloud smirked, "I could polish that off no problem."

Mike laughed, "Yeah right! There's no way you could."

And thus the most instinctual of childish responses rose at the challenge, "Watch me…"

Four cups later; and Mike believed; oh he really believed, "O-K. O-K you win you can polish off the bottle but how about not!"

You all know the rest; later on Cloud did a recap with Cissnei over just how much the two drank. They had to figure it out seeing as how they were stuck with hang over's for the next three days; anything that bad needed to be explained. Cloud's eyes were wide and he wrote out a list and handed it to Cissnei in class; her eyes went wide and she chuckled shaking her hand and whispered low, "You're insane! How do you even remember that!" Cloud only chuckled at his friend shrugging his shoulders; camp was fun and no doubt their drinking adventures had only started.

**Cissnei, **

**6 shots of Puerto Rican rum**

**3 ½ cups of white Russians**

**3 ½ cups of mudslides**

**4 cups of Pepsi and tequila**

**2 shots of tequila **

**Long island iced T straight from the jug**

**2 cream sickles **

**1 ½ cups of jell-o shots **

**1 beer **

**Some vodka ( don't know how much ) **

**1 screw driver **

**Should I be dead right now? **

**----------------**

**So I could've kept going with this one hehe this was a fun night in deed --- I got lazy towards the end sorry guys I wanted to wrap it up before it got too long I hope you all like it Please Review **

**If you guys want me to go through and fix up the ending let me know I didn't want to bore you guys but if you don't mind it being longer I promise to go back and make some changes **


	6. Control

_Control… _

_Cloud took in another long drag of his cigarette allowing it to burn at his lungs; which in turn caused him into a short coughing fit. He only smoked when offered; he never thought it was necessary to waste his money on such a thing. His eyes wanted to water, he took that as a sign to take another deep breath of the poisonous stick. He didn't mind the feeling of his lungs contracting trying to tell him to stop; he didn't care that he could practically feel the tar building against them; he just didn't care. It felt good; it felt good to allow this poison into his system. It seemed funny to him because he didn't even 'like' the taste or like smoking in general. There was nothing appealing about it, in all honesty he rather hated it. So why… Why smoke it? It all boiled down to one simple word; Control. Control over choosing what harmful chemical was entering him; control to inflict that simple discomfort; control…. _

_He never felt in control of his life; sure he tried, and of course he kept a death grip on a sense of false control but that 'wasn't' control. There was no denying the loss of control in his life thus far, he didn't really have any growing up. He didn't have control over his parents divorce. He didn't have control over his father's excessive drinking or his mothers never ending prescription drugs. He didn't have control over the emotional basket case called his brother. He didn't have control over his love life or friends. He didn't have control over losing his virginity. He couldn't control his body or his thoughts. He never had a choice; not once. His pleading fell on deaf ears and no one would grant him the mercy of allowing him to have some control. But this simple act of smoking a cigarette… it was control. As stupid as it was…. Taking the poison in voluntarily was pure control. He lit the tobacco. He placed it to his lips. He sucked in the smoke. He did it; completely voluntary, complete control. _

_He was choosing his poison; no one was choosing it for him. No one else was forcing it on him. He wasn't being told to smoke it. He didn't have someone forcing it to his lips and holding his nose shut and mouth around the object to inhale the smoke. He, yes he, was the one putting it to his lips and lighting it; and that's what made it beautiful. Serene; uplifting; complete and total release from having no control or grasp on what was going on in his life. It was a simple act yet it felt like so much. Cloud could only laugh to himself with a twisted smile; almost one of ironic agony. He pulled the object from his lips and stared at it, "I can throw you away… it's just that simple…" _

_Cloud flicked the object to the ground and dug the tip of his boot into it a few times before sighing and looking up. As short a moment as it was and as meaningless as it seemed; Cloud felt a bitter sweet satisfaction in it. _

_----------_

_Short….. Insignificant……. R&R_


End file.
